The A string on my guit_r is flat
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Life Tip: If you get a bunch of tattoos people will never ask you to babysit.
They just called for “Jennifer” three times in the waiting room, and I have anxiety so there was a second where I wondered if my name was actually Jennifer
My husband at 3 AM: What’s that noise? What’s that noise? What’s THAT noise? I can’t sleep.
My husband when I’m talking to him, in his ear, with a megaphone: What? Sorry, I didn’t hear you.
My toddler just said “Knock knock, who’s there” then slapped me in the face and said “it’s me”
Ok then.
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
after murdering a dude with a library book john wick then returns it to its place on the shelves. please do not follow his example; you should always return books to the designated reshelving locations so their use may be logged by the staff and orderly statistics kept.
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
If I owned a bar, the only food I’d serve would be warm buns and it would have a dance floor. I would name it Abundance.
I am so sorry.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
My favorite part of the gym is leaving. And girls in stretch pants.
CREATION OF THE WORLD DAY 1
ANGEL: I’m looking forward to watching this project evolve.
*awkward silence
GOD: We NEVER use that word here
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Cop: you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You thought I was black?
Cop: Haha. Yep. You’re free to go sir
WEATHERMAN: The fog is extremely dense
FOG: My husband took his secretary with him on a business trip, that’s normal right?
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Spring chickens aren’t as comfy as memory foam chickens.
wife *comes running out of the bedroom* Kill it! Kill it!
me *runs in*
wife: Did you get it!?
me [has no idea wtf she’s talking about] Yep
A toddler waves his stuffed snow leopard and shouts “tiger!” From my purse, I retrieve my big cat field guide to do the job his parents failed to do.
So I adopted a bunny today ❤ everyone meet Mr. Whiskers.
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
My neighbor said “I don’t watch football so I don’t know who Taylor Swift is, but he sounds fast.”
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes