[Giving directions in America]
Go two blocks down and take a left on 4th
[Directions in England]
Go down this road, past the big tree, over the bridge throwing a snack to the troll, dodge the wizard and it’s right there on the edge of the magical forest
You Might Also Like
Me: *Puts up fake Halloween cob webs*
Spider who just woke up from a night of drinking: What the f
therapist: *holds up inkblot test* what do u see
me: a therapist with no professional boundaries shoving their shitty art into my face
therapist: please take this seriously.
me: ok it’s a car
therapist: no it’s us holding hands :/
My husband thinks it’s embarrassing when I sing to my tomato plants when the neighbors are outside. But I think it’s embarrassing he doesn’t.
I hate when companies are too cheap to hire models & just advertise clothes lying there with nobody in them. Because 9 times out of 10 I click on an outfit I would wear & it’s for toddlers. One time it was a hoodie for a dog?
scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
-You were standing in the lobby of The Astor Hotel wearing a blue sweater. It was April 9th. Your first words were, “It’s you.” You had a stain on your left pocket.
-Amanda, where did you park your car just now?
-No clue.
Stranger: Twitter is awful.
Me: It really isn’t most people are nice.
Stranger: But there are bad people…
Me: Sure, I just block them.
Stranger: See…there…you can’t do that in RL.
Me: Yes, you can….watch….(walks away from them).
Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
Don’t waste your money on lip plumping glosses. Just eat ghost pepper chicken.
driverless cars????
I don’t trust autocorrect to pick the correct word let alone let a car just drive me …. by itself
[after sleeping in a slightly different position] I have gathered you all here to read my last will and testament…
Before countdowns were invented:
*6:30 at Chili’s*
Scientist One: Oh shit did anybody fire that rocket?
All your most annoying Facebook friends have shared this with the caption “wow, really makes you think.
greetings!
6 wakes me at 6:30am: wanna play a game?
Me: go hide! 1, 2, 3…
6: you’ll never find me!
Me: *goes back to sleep*
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Tommy Lee Jones always looks like his son just told him he wants to ride unicycles professionally.
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
[commercial for IKEA]
Are you easily frustrated? Want to find out?
The lady behind me in the drive-thru honked impatiently so i paid for her order. When she pulled up to the 1st window to pay, her expression was priceless. Then I picked up both orders at the 2nd window and drove away
me: this glass is too small
bartender: would you prefer a tumbler
me: yes
acrobat: what can I get you
I’m awake.
Please respect my privacy during this difficult time.
Me: *seductively* I’m ready for my cavity search
Dentist: please stop
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
when your Amazon order arrives and you think to yourself “this is some real bullshit right here”
I got paprika once in 2002 to make deviled eggs and apparently I bought a lifetime supply.
[punches shark on the nose]
Shark: that wont stop me
Me: are you crying
Shark: no it’s always wet & salty on my face, I’m fine
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Me: Do you remember when I told you-
Husband: No.
kool-aid man: you’re grounded
kool-aid son: I hate you!
kool-aid man: don’t you dare g–
kool-aid son: *uses door normally*