Taken 4: How does this shit keep happening
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Me: *walks to counter* One large fry.
Cashier: Sir, there’s a line.
Me: Oh, they’re not with me.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[8am, phone rings]
Hotel Desk: Ma’am we’re going to be turning off the water for about 2 hours this morning.
Me: No worries, I have vodka.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Judge: so your petition says irreconcilable differences
Me: yesterday he wore Nike shoes with Adidas socks
Judge: divorce granted
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
Had my novel “Noah: The Early Years” rejected. They said the story lacks an ark.
Trump: “I’m going to make sure we let in less immigrants.”
Pence: “Fewer!”
Trump: “Shhh, don’t call me that yet.”
Me: [watching someone de-bone a fish] How hard could that be
Also me: [starved because I couldn’t open the pressure cooker]
Guy cuts me off in traffic.
I give him the finger.
He gives me the finger.
I give him my number.
We’re married now.
Yes, Andrew Tate may own 33 gas guzzling cars, but Greta Thunberg now owns one Andrew Tate.
SPLOOT
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
ME: Sometimes I feel like I’m in a bad tweet
NARRATOR: And he was
ME: I see you
NARRATOR: He could see me
ME: Stop
NARRATOR: I did not stop
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*pulls out 50 inch TV*
What? It’s really a phone.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”