Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
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[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
I can tell when I’m not wanted. I’m not gonna leave or anything but I can tell.
“I don’t even own a book” – Medieval Hipster
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
My optimism doesn’t come out of thin air. A flask is involved.
Friend: I saw this guy he looks just like you!
Me: Please dont
Friend: No I’m serious you guys are twins
Me: This is never flattering please just shut up
Friend: Look, I took a picture
Me: Man this is an old tire full of water
Friend: You guys are identical!
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“How many dead bodies do I have to leave on the porch before they acknowledge me?”
-Cats
1. Wear a black shirt
2. Roll around on my floor near my couch.
3. Admire your ‘Everything Bagel’ costume
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
“hey dad, when did they outlaw hyperboles?”
“hmm i dont know son, like a bajillion million years ago? idiot”
*cops bust down door*
Friend: What’s with all the extra guests?
Me: You told me to bring the Cranberries.
*Linger starts to play*
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
WAITER: how was everything
ME: [rubbing belly] so delicious. thank u
WAITER: great. please stop rubbing my belly
*at Starbucks*
7yo: can I order for you?
Me: sure!
7yo: my mom wants the drink with the salt on the rim. She has it allll the time!
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Does anyone know any herbal remedies for worthlessness?
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
My weight loss plan is to skip breakfast and lunch…
And then eat seven dinners.
“There’s no I in TEAM,” he yells. “There’s no COACH in LOCKER ROOM,” I respond. He leaves in stunned silence, and is never seen again.
Boss: You were napping
Me: No I wasn’t
Boss: You drew eyes on Post-it notes & stuck them to your face
Me: Liar! *draws on angry eyebrows*
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.