“I gave that guys wife a pearl necklace”
-Oysters
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One of My Ex’s was absolutely beautiful. But, it didn’t workout because all she wanted to do was SWING.
I miss third grade.
I think a better question is- Where’s Waldo’s parents?? That dude is constantly getting lost in large crowds…
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
I told my therapist I was afraid of spontaneously combusting, so she prescribed me an anti-inflammatory.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
*school is cancelled indefinitely*
My kids: Mom, why are you crying?
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
RIP little boat. I can’t think of a more dinghy friend, canoe?
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.
Me: You’re dumping me because I never listen and you’re gay!?
Boyfriend: …No. I said I’m dumping you because you never listen, have a nice day!
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
Me buying fruit and veg
MICK JAGGER:♪Brown sugar…how come ya taste so good♪
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Sucrose ingestion causes a surge in the brain’s dopamine receptors
in college, i was the third-wheel so many times they called me The Tricycle
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
Roses are flowers, violets are flowers, I’d love you more if you had super powers.
It’s actually a little puzzling that the Centaurs for Disease Control didn’t approve horse dewormer.
Ma’am, nowhere on the perfume bottle does it say “marinate in”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Entomologic:
Firefly= not a fly
Butterfly= not a fly
Mayfly= not a fly
Stonefly= not a fly
Scorpionfly= not a flyBee louse= fly
This has been “Entomologic”
#entomologic #entomology #SciComm #bugjokes
You make a compelling argument, Morty.
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
My life is a rollercoaster. There’s a lot of sitting down and screaming.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
Don’t have a second child until the first one is old enough to take care of it. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.