MUGGER: give me ur wallet
ME: stand back i have mace
MUGGER: [sniffing] is this cookies-scented febreze
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All I need to do is tell my husband I found a recipe on Tik Tok and he will definitely make dinner
My 4yo asserts dominance by aggressively putting snacks in my hand so she can take dance breaks
I sleep with my clothes on and one eye open. Not because I’m scared, but my zipper is broken and I’ve had too much botox on one side.
If you stare at an ice-cube for long enough you can pretend you have laser-eyes.
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
I think I’m finally ready. I’m gonna take the plunge even though at first it might be confusing and a little scary. I can do this!
Deep breath.
Here I go.*changes phone default notification sound*
horrifying if literal: the electric slide
HIM: [gravely voice] I hunt vampires by night
ME: Wouldn’t it be easier during the day?
HIM: I have to go now
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
“you’re odd”
“you are also odd”
“yes”
“so we’re even”
Yea…sure! I was hoping someone would come and stand uncomfortably close to me today
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
ME: Omg I love making up stupid words too!
HER: No, spelunking is a thing
ME: Ha ha, absototesly.
Said the murderer.
Hey Ben Carson, at this point in your craziness? Just say you’re Iron Man. What could it hurt?
“So, which burner is your favorite? Mine is usually the back left.” -Me, trying to make friends in my 30’s
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
My wife didn’t order anything from Amazon yesterday so the UPS guy knocked on our door to see if we’re okay.
doctor: do you use recreational drugs?
me: no
doctor: you don’t have to lie to me
me: yeah i know, but i like to
me: [putting hand on widow’s shoulder] this fell out of the casket
[ interview ]
cable company: where do you see yourself in five years
me: you mean between 3 and 8 years from now?
cable company: when can you start
me: between monday and july
Went to the zoo yesterday and got to hear my kid and their friends argue “I saw the animal first!” at each stop, in case you were thinking of doing that soon.
6. me as a lawyer
CW: I think you’re two-faced
Me: Why don’t you say that to my face
CW: I just did!
Me: No. My other face.
My husband is setting up a new cell phone and listening to him play every single ring and text tone is exactly what I imagine hell is like.
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Money issues can seem overwhelming until you break it down and realize all you need to do is bring in a million times more per day. See? No problem.