But I’m the good kind of abomination, right???
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I went out for a walk and the neighbor kids asked if I could play. Later losers, I have friends now.
Kanye West Presents:
KANYE ON BROADWAY
Featuring:
“Papa, Kanye Hear Me?”
“Kanye Feel the Love Tonight”
“I Am a Few of My Favorite Things”
Spam popsicles.
*follow for more recipes
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
I’ve learned something today – “dibs” is not the appropriate response when your best friend announces their divorce.
I’m at my most Alzheimer’s when Billy is that you?
one mistake some cult leaders make is predicting armageddon will happen on a specific day. embarrassing to explain afterwards. if i ever lead a group of devoted followers i’d keep shit like that pretty vague
Your outfit says you work in an office, but your shoes say it might have a pole in it
glass half empty: I just found an old banana in my kid’s backpack
glass half full: It’s only 6 days old
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
A drum solo but on your face.
Come here you little vixen and let me take off your top.
-me to my beer.
If you leave our home after a visit we will stand on the porch and wave until you drive out of sight because that’s how we were raised, by maniacs.
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
I’d survive scream bc i don’t answer the phone ever
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
“I know it doesn’t look good on paper, but hear me out guys, Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na Na BATMAN!!!!”
I use these ( … ) a lot.
For which, I believe, the technical term is Dotty Dot Dots.
Computer: Choose a password.
Me: 9Df6akt86lpd
Computer: Dude, this is a format tweet, don’t use your actual password.
My co-worker’s wife just had her baby, so I told him “Happy… uh… baby!” because I couldn’t remember that normal humans say “congratulations,” and that tells you everything you need to know about me
Cake: I want a girl who gets up early. I want a girl who stays up late.
Me: She is going to be exhausted.
[Job interview]
“Can you explain these gaps in your CV?”
“Yes, they’re so the words aren’t all joined together” *rolls eyes to self*
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
Him: A friend told me she had feelings for me but I had to tell her I had a TC and was very much in love. I know it hurt her but I couldn’t ever betray my girl.
Wife:
Chuck Norris once gave an uppercut to a horse!
Now we have Giraffes.
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
[pearly gates]
ME: whoa
JESUS: sup bro! Welcome
M: have you… always had a-
J: falcon head? Lol yep come on in let’s weigh that heart
I’ve invented a loaf of bread that says ‘Good Morning!’ in German.
I’ve also invented one that just says ‘Morning!’ in German, that’s the guten-free version.