“Daddy, are vampires real?”
“No, sweetie. Go back to bed.”*waits until daughter is asleep*
*grabs red Sharpie*
*draws 2 dots on her neck*
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I’m in the South. I’m the only one who ordered vegetables with my dinner.
Don’t you dare flirt with me.
Yet.
Okay now.
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
She didn’t believe I was single so I showed her my bathroom with the Metallica poster
Once a guy came to our door with an educational book-selling MLM. He tried to get my husband by asking “do you even know why a flamingo is pink?” And I guess the guy hadn’t anticipated running into a man raised on zoboomafoo because he walked away defeated.
My wrist is sore from holding onto a bowl of ice cream for too long but sure, I’ll help you move.
saying “james?” to my mom when i open her car door so people think it’s an uber
No one ever hated their job on a Friday!
(My cat, about to barf) MUST…MAKE IT…TO…CARPET
The winners of the javelin at the Olympics shouldn’t get a medal. They should get a throwphy.
And send
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
I found a dog in a toilet.
It’s a poodle.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
That awkward moment when your doctor tells you that you have tennis elbow from repetitive hand motion and you don’t own a tennis racket ….
Dating a drug dealer in ur early adulthood is absolute necessary character development
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
If I were a stormtrooper, I would throw gum in Chewbacca’s fur.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
They say you are what you eat.
I don’t remember eating an embarrassment to my family.
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
I changed my name in my daughters phone to God…just texted her and said “I saw that” You should of seen her face. Priceless
CHEF: Someone needs to prepare the chicken
ME: I’ll do it *sits chicken down* look dude, this isn’t gonna be a good day for you