Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
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60% of Americans? That’s almost half. 🙂
me: woah real life russian dolls
midwife: get out
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
me: any historical figure?
wizard: that’s right[later at dinner]
Beethoven: you seem disappointed
me: *hiding dog treats* it’s fine
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
Unicorn: why can’t you create me again?
God: no one is going to believe a horse has a horn it’s too ridiculous.
Unicorn: I guess you’re right.
[Narwhal swims by]
Unicorn: w-was that a whale with a horn?
God:
Unicorn:
God: technically that’s a tooth.
I clean my house before going away like burglars give yelp reviews.
I just cleaned the house and took a picture so that in 15 minutes I can remember how nice it looked.
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
I haven’t swam competitively since I was a sperm.
If anyone needs help communicating with their teen daughter,
I am officially fluent in sigh.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Practiced telling you off in the shower today. Warning, it went very well.
homeless guy: change?
me (a werewolf): funny you should ask ….
[my son threatens to run away after I take away his iPad]
“Here $60. It’s all I have. Call if you need more.”
Has anyone else noticed when time travelers grab you buy your shoulders and ask what year it is and you tell them, they don’t reply, “then I’m not too late” anymore?
That’s kind of worrying.
A posh woman asked where I got my boots and I didn’t want to say TJ Maxx, so I told her I won them in a bar fight.
you: *finger guns*
me: *collapses*
you: *thinking im dead, lowers your finger guns*
me: *quickly rolls on my side, points my finger guns at you*
you: *freezes*
me: *unbuttons my shirt to reveal a finger-proof vest*
you: *starts to raise your finger guns
me: *finger guns*
Hell hath no fury like a woman who stepped on the Legos you promised you’d pick up
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
DOMINOS PIZZA TRACKER: Your pizza was just flushed down the toilet!
MICHELANGELO: oh hell yeah
I make sure my cat knows who is boss by grumbling loudly while cleaning out its kitty litter.
A brainwash actually sounds pretty nice right now.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
FRIEND: Australia has 9 of the 10 world’s deadliest snakes
ME: OMG ONE ESCAPED?!
Finally, a month dedicated to nut allergy awareness.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight
The worst walk of shame is the one back onto the crowded elevator after getting out on the wrong floor.