Wife: I want to have another baby
Me: one is more than enough
Wife: we have 3
Me: the others know how I feel
You Might Also Like
That’s what I call a flat tire
water solves a lot of problems.
want to lose weight? drink more water
having a bad day? take a shower
tired of someone’s bullshit? drown them
[the seventh day]
God: *walks in wearing bangs*
Angel: maybe you should rest
Mechanic: that’s gonna cost $2000
Me: how much?
Mechanic: $3000
Me: what did you say before that
Mechanic: I said “that’s gonna cost”
“You’re going to have to open your mouth wider than that”
I’m at the dentist you pervs!
The Very Hungry Caterpillar taught me that I can binge eat carbs and then take a two week nap and I’ll become beautiful.
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
Husband: You’re ruining my life
Me: Does this mean I still have to make dinner?
Tweeting and grocery shopping don’t mix. I’ve been down every aisle and just realized all I have in my cart is a cabbage and someone’s baby.
I thought 50 shades of gray was just a makeup application guide for goth chicks
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Exciting news: I got invited to be on a heist team. Not sure what I’ll be doing exactly but being a “fall guy” sounds important.
Her: You’re so possessive.
Apostrophe: Only sometimes, Brenda.
WHAT ARE WE?
Writers!
WHAT ARE WE WRITING?
Snacks!
WAIT, WHAT?
Snacks first, THEN writing!
No, wait, coffee/tea too!
Maybe a nap beforehand!
THEN WRITING?
No, then Twitter
THEN WRITING!
Too late! Time for bed! Writing tomorrow
#amwriting
#writerslife
#writingcommunity
Date: I’m totally into the Dad bod.
Me: *exhales for 3 straight minutes* That’s a relief. I’ve been sucking in since I picked you up.
I’ve had relationships like this
Girlfriend Parents: so how did you meet our daughter?
Me: we met at a nickelback conc-
Gf: [covers my mouth] we met on tinder
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
If I ever lose my girlfriend in the mall I just start checking other girls out and bam there she is yelling at me
Hope there is a particularly fiery spot in hell for anyone capable of losing a dog in an enclosed dog park.
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
Sure I could kill you with kindness, but let’s see what else is lying around first.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
🎶 I don’t think you’re ready for this jelly
Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.
Every few weeks I login to Facebook, update my birthday to the current day, and those idiots wish me happy birthday every time.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”