This Halloween I’m going as a pissy woman who eats all the good candy and doesn’t answer the door after 8pm.
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11: how large is Scotland Yard?
Me: a yard is 3 feet. So…
11: never mind, I will ask google.
When you’re an inflight safety pamphlet designer who definitely knows what babies look like
Teacher: You can do anything you set your mind to
[I try to sneak outta class but somehow mess up the pull door twice]
Except maybe that guy
Shapewear for women, but it’s a system of pulleys and levers so you can morph into different configurations, like “sexy Chrysler Building” or “new condos going up”
* charges phone.
Phone: wrong hole.
One-ply toilet paper really feels like you’re wiping with a wish
Most women need a little reassurance.
Like when she says “oh, you want to see crazy?” Reassure her that you do not.
My phone refuses to recognize that Transatlanticism is a word. Do you know how hard it is to get through that word without predictive text. And I talk about Transatlanticism a LOT
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
Shank you.
– a prison flick…or a grateful Sean Connery
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
80% of marriage is pointedly yelling an irritated “WHAT?!” to make your spouse understand that there’s no chance in hell you can hear what s/he’s saying from five rooms away, around three corners, down two hallways, and over the cacophonous screams of hyper children.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing
GOD: let’s give them sinus cavities that fill up with snot and make their face hurt
ANGEL: all the time?
GOD: no just when they’re sick and also when they try to enjoy nice things like flowers and outside
ANGEL: why?
GOD: you keep saying that word
any time someone sends me an email with “best regards” i reply with “bester regards” so they know i take my job seriously
I think it’s time for the hard stuff *pulls Werther’s Original out of pocket*
my girlfriend of the past 6 months said the time has come for her to release me into the wild. i have awoken groggy, somewhere in a jungle, and i can hear the sounds of insects, a rushing river, and some very persistent hooting noises off in the distance.
Wife: “Was that lightning?!” Me: “No, they’re taking pictures for Google earth…”
Me: we should probably go to bed
Friend: or we could drink more and stay up later at the small expense of our will to live in the morning
Me: ok
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
I just ‘borrowed’ $20 from my teenage daughter.
She’s such an idiot.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
[*Wakes up on sofa] “Did I…DID I HAVE A FIGHT WITH BATMAN?”
Wife [from bedroom]: “YOU. PUNCHED. A. NUN.”
Don’t advertise “All You Can Eat” then drag me out kicking and screaming with fists full of shrimp.
Mark Ruffalo is the name you could most likely teach a dog to say.
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Please be gentle with me I used to be a baby