My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
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*comes home drunk
*sleeps on floor
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
I first learned the “bend and snap” on Legally Blonde.
But now I snap when I bend, and not in a good way…
Why are dirty words only four letters. There should be at least one 19-letter word that’s so filthy you get grounded for a month.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Sometimes I type a ‘C’ when I meant to type an ‘A’. And now I have to apologize to my ‘Aunt’
I use italics as a form of revenge. Being a writer has ruined my posture, so I’m going to do the same to these words.
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
ME: Everyone has a soul and since souls are actually ghosts, technically we’re all haunted
ANESTHESIOLOGIST, TO THE SURGEON: I seriously don’t know how she woke up
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
Who called it cremation and not ashashination
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
me: I’d like some ham please
server: ok how much
me: I really really want it
6: what’s 3+1?
Me: 4
6: noooo it’s 3
Me: 3+1 is 4
6: nooooo it’s 3
Me:
6: the 1 is silent
i remember one time i flew spirit and there was a medical emergency and the flight attendants asked if there was a doctor aboard and this old man woke up from his nap and said “ain’t no doctors flying spirit”
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
King: For the last time, what’s your SURNAME?!
Sir Name: *staring, eyelid twitching in frustration*
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Email from the PTA tells me if I don’t join, I “will not be allowed inside the school to assist with the children’s class parties” & it’s like whoa whoa whoa threaten me harder.
Your brain needs exercise just as much as your body does
That’s why I think of running everyday
ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
I’m almost 45 years old and I’ve never been to an open house before. Can I use their toaster?
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
Me: Siri, what is happiness?
Siri: [in Batman voice] You will never know.
As the mother of two kids under 5, I’m always playing a game I call “Is this normal, or is my child a sociopath?”
[Bar]
me: Gimme one more
wife: I think you’ve had enough
m: Last one
w: Fine
m: *asks waitress for another kids menu so I can do the maze*
They say you will eat around 23 spiders in your life, but really you can eat as many as you want. Treat yourself, you deserve it.