[30 years into the future]
me: you know netflix used to send films by post
my amazon smart watch: 0.3% Productivity loss detected. Hourly rate reduced to $1.12 for 7m21s. Please refrain from talking on the packing line. Please say “Productivity” to acknowledge
me: productivity
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My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
My 4yo wants a younger sibling. I keep telling her no. 4 kids is enough. She keeps trying to convince me. Today she said, “you can make this one an outside baby.” Like, the baby only lives outside. She’s getting really good at this. I can maybe go for an outside baby, maybe.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
[First Date]
Girl: (omg he’s so perfect)
Guy: I have In Pasture Syndrome
Girl: You mean Imposter Syn-
Guy: *grazing*
The pastor’s sermon went on so long that even Jesus got up and walked out.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Pizza Hut Employee: I’m sorry but we don’t deliver bog grass. I’m not even sure what that is.
Moose: [incoherent bellowing]
Him: your account was stolen!
Me: My twitter account?
Him: no your bank account!*sigh*
Me: thanks God!
It’s way easier to procure food now than it was for our ancestors. Thousands of years ago, instead of buying it in the store, I would have had to hunt this can of Pringles in the wild.
ME: I hate when I look in the mirror and I don’t like the person looking back.
THERAPIST: That’s a window. You’re staring at our gardner, Gary.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
“Do you know why I pulled you over?”
“Was I speeding?”
“No. Because you have a pony tail.”
“I don’t understand.”
“Sir, you’re over 40.”
me: *donates two bucks to guy outside gas station*
guy: *takes off mask to reveal he’s actually wikipedia* i got you i finally got you
Bruce Willis should host a baking competition called Pie Hard.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
My husband told my daughter he can’t flush his contacts down the toilet because it’s bad for the oceans and she thinks it’s because “humans don’t want sharks to see better.”
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
Christmas needs to slow tf down I only got 8 dollars
When you’re shopping with your mom and accidently lose track of her
nothing saves money like being antisocial
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
When I die dress me like Amelia Earhart and place me on top of the tallest tree you can find
If they could bottle how good it feels to take off your bra, that would sell for more than any expensive wine.
Growing up, a lot of people had crushes on Jennifer Aniston. I just liked her as a friend.
Ways to make your woman happy.
1. Cook for her.
2. Surprise her with hugs & kisses.
3. Hide a lion in her apartment then rescue her.
Please sir, Under Arrest is my father’s name. You can call me Free To Leave.
[steps off treadmill]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Me – “did Benjamin Button’s pubes fall out or grow back inside his body?”
Doctor – “no I meant what seems to be the problem with you”
That feeling when you take the first bite of your favourite food, that’s called chewphoria.
Justin Bieber only pretends to retire on Twitter, worst Christmas ever.