Did a great workout at home this morning by running 25 times up and down 15 flights of stairs to make sure the iron was unplugged.
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Cake by the ocean?
*scoffs*
Cake is a terrible beach snack
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
warranty company said my claim was denied because the tear on our couch is a seam tear and not an actual rip or tear. so i’m going to give my 5yo a steak knife and let him be near the couch for a second.
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
I like to leave myself sexy love notes in my lunches and act all surprised and giddy like “WHAAAAAT—-NOT AGAIN!” and then proceed to read the note out loud as my co-workers look on in envy.
[the wolf who ate Little Red Riding Hood and her Grandma scrolling twitter] there are two humans inside me lmfao
me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
Mother Using Facebook Night Mode Afraid She’s Stumbled Onto Dark Web
Me: I made you a CD.
Coworker: This says songs you hate for the people you hate.
My husband claims I’m driving him to an early grave, which is clearly ridiculous because nobody has ever been early to anything I’ve driven them to.
professor x: your 2 year old is not a mutant
me: but he knows which foods he hates BEFORE HE’S TRIED THEM
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
You know you’re too drunk to drive when you swerve to miss a tree then realise it was your air freshener.
I set the automatic reply on my work email to “I don’t negotiate with terrorists.”
Now we wait.
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.
Thinking about that guy who challenged all the witches on TikTok to hex him so he could prove magic isn’t real and every time he updated saying his life was going fine, witches would get so upset they weren’t able to kill a man with their mind like Professor X
11-year-old: I folded the laundry.
Me: You only folded one thing.
11: Is laundry plural?
I’ve been wearing the same clothes for almost 7 years now because a girl wrote “never change” in my middle school year book.
People need to wake up and accept that Batman regularly commits tax fraud
4-year-old trying pop rocks:
I think there’s some people having a birthday in my mouth
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Me: *just trying to pick up my groceries in peace*
7: can I have a plastic ax? I promise I won’t hit you with it.
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye