I once made the irresponsible decision to drink and drive and now I have to live the rest of my days with a coffee stain on my favorite sweater.
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“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen
I watched Dexter. Now I’m watching Cold Case Files Classic.
Netflix really needs to decide if I can get away with murder or not.
I’ve just had a rejection for a submission I made two years ago. Can I tell them that the book was accepted, published, reached the top 100 in the Amazon Kindle chart and I’ve since had another book published with a new one out this month, or is that just too much? 😝
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
Even on your worst days, an identity thief wants to be you more than you want to be yourself and that’s beautiful
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
Can someone make a voodoo doll of me and send it off to the gym?
I don’t want to speculate about the royal baby’s name, but I’m pretty sure it will start with #.
I think it’s obvious that all across America trees are scooping up cats so that they can meet good looking firefighters
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
DOCTOR: What’s the matter?
ME: I don’t know. Sometimes I feel like I’m a bad husband.
DOCTOR: I meant with your wife.
ME: Oh her water broke or something.
me: I always sleep naked
flight attendant: no
“How much to go into this haunted house?”
“Sir, this is the Church of Scientology.”
“Ooh…Sounds scary! One ticket please!”
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
Do you smoke after sex?
Person looks down…”I don’t know, I never checked.”
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
wife: “remember when i said you were too friendly all the time?”
me: [making cup of tea] “no im not”
burglar: “two sugars please”
I like to hide condom wrappers in my married friends pockets.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
As seen on Reddit: “Tradition is just peer pressure from dead people”.
Discuss.
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
I’m not proud
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
love getting up in the middle of the night to make myself a little chaos snack. sure i’ll put chicken nuggets and cheese sticks in a tortilla. it’s 2 am god can’t see me here