ME: I’m hungry. I think I’ll get McDonald’s.
HER: Aren’t you on a diet?
ME: OK. I’ll only get one McDonald.
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What do you mean will I eat a whole rotisserie chicken? What do I look like, a guy who doesn’t eat whole rotisserie chickens?
Anyone else notice Independence Day is July 4th? Maybe we can work it into our 4th of July celebrations.
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Hell hath no fury like a woman.
Oh? That’s not the entire expression?
[painting a picture of the last supper]
“Who’s that?”
“Darth Vader.”
“Was he 1 of Jesus disciples?”
“I dunno, I’ve only seen the 1st movie.”
British parking sign:
———————————
Parking Mon-Fri
Saturday (except Sunday)
No return within 1 hour
2 hour max (bank holiday)
Not valid Fri-Mon
(Excludes Weekdays)
1 hour only
———————————
HER: I love Game Of Thrones
ME(trying to impress her): I slept with my sister
Me, listening to Pachebel: I am the embodiment of peace.
Rage, inside me: Let me divert your attention to the growing pile of unwashed dishes in the sink.
I forced her to tell me what I was to her
Apparently, I’m the 5th in line of guys she talks to when she’s bored
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
When I was little, I did not care about things like what to wear. My parents dressed me.
Looking back at some of my old pictures, it’s obvious my parents didn’t care either.
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.
(Disney Dating Tips)
1.Kidnap Dad
2.Coerce Daughter
3.Awkward music-filled dates
4.Angry mob danger
5.Stockholm Syndrome
-Beauty & the Beast
Make a first date less awkward by licking all their food and then handing it back. See? Now you’ve already shared germs. Anything else should be easy peasy.
Me looking for something to eat….
⠀
Instructions: bake for 25 minutes.
⠀
Me: ugh, that takes too long. I don’t feel like dealing with it.
⠀
*proceeds to door dash overpriced food that will take 45 minutes to arrive*
*goes back in time
*tells 11 year old me to say “I will be taking no questions at this time” when teacher asks me something I don’t know
Sorry I brought my own turntables and tried to battle your wedding DJ
I hate to say “I told you so”, so Im going to sing it.
[superhero meeting]
“What’s your enemy called?”
“Dr Doom. Yours?”
“Joker”
[stifles laughter]
“I HAVE OTHERS”
“Ye-”
“Penguin”
[just loses it]
BABY GOT BACKYARD
Sir-Mix-A-Lot, licensed realtor
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Why is it then when things are going well we say everything is “peachy”? What elevated the peach above all other fruits to define itself as all that is good? What did it do to deserve such an accolade?
I see you peach, and I’m watching
Whomever came up with the saying “Make love not war” was obviously not married.
If poetry is dead, then explain this:
My girlfriend never can hear me when I’m talking to her but when I’m talking about her she can hear me from the neighbor’s house
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube