ME: Your doll is creeping me out! Is it haunted?
NEW MOM: That’s my baby, you idiot.
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Mantra at the gym:
When the zombies come, cardio will matter.
THE TITANIC WAS A REAL SHIP??????
I told my therapist what you said and she’s gonna call your therapist and you’re in big trouble
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
Shout out to hotel maids changing sheets on February 15th.
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Is….Is this an option?
Hear no evil, see no evil, speak no evil.
I can accomplish this if I avoid my mother.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
S: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here
S: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this one here it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
Cat: Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk…Grrrrrplukk… [ *Coughs up hairball* ]
Dog: You gonna eat that?
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
“They’re gray with gray stripes”
– me warning my dog about skunks
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
music journalism is simply finding a thousand ways of saying ‘good and also catchy’
ME: Can I taste your pancakes?
HUSBAND: Okay, but just one bite.
ME:
Haven’t had a conversation like this in months
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
If anyone is thinking of fighting me, just know I cook bacon topless.
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
the most unrealistic thing about stranger things is how max was the only character who was advised to seek psychological help
Husband: I love you.
Me: I have a boyfriend.
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
Sorry, but Apple making driverless cars isn’t breaking news. It’s been going on ever since they introduced the iPhone.
Of course I know what it feels like to sleep with a restless elephant, I slept with my toddler last night
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time