Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
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My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Jogging has never helped my memory.
You should marry the first person who can understand what you’re saying while you brush your teeth.
Just once, I’d ike a cop to pull me over and tell me how great I’m driving, especially considering I’ve had 12 beers.
I guess cinco de mustard didn’t have the same ring to it
If I’ve learned anything from Disney, it’s this:
If you happen across a woman’s corpse, in the forest? Kiss it.
I once told a guy that I was really into physics so he surprised me with a copy of Stephen Hawking’s A Brief History of Time and that was the exact moment I remembered the word I was looking for was psychics.
After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Today my 12 year old went back into a room to switch off a light, so never give up on your dreams
To spice things up in the bedroom, I have my wife dress up as a pizza boy. Then, I have her put the pizza on the counter and then leave.
Me: Hi, I’d like to cancel my 8am appointment for tomorrow.
HR: For the last time, call in sick for work like a normal person!
At a seminar. Cannot wait to drop someone during a trust fall.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
I just saw Beauty and the Beast and now all I want to do is live with a water buffalo and talk to my furniture
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
watergate? u mean a dam??
Them: So what do you do?
Me: I don’t
*My dentist, looking at a pork chop dangling from a string*
“You should floss more”
Mother’s Day is just an another made up holiday so the government can sell you more mothers
[interview]
Ok, don’t let them know you’re naked
“Why are you naked?”
dammit
hid some cash in the house for emergencies and now I can’t find it
I’ve never seen the movie Snakes On A Plane. What’s it about?
It’s never a good sign when you tell your child goodnight and they respond “see you later”
I’m always punctual, which is why I hope to be cremated and used in an hourglass.
I studied karate, so now if I’m ever attacked I know multiple ways to warn my attackers that I studied karate.
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly