I had a $25.00 gift card to Whole Foods, after chipping in another $4.75 I was able to buy two plums.
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customs officer: anything to declare?
me (pulling blanket over elephant): umm just this blanket
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP
UNZIP – ZIP*looking for condom in my “Beat It” zipper jacket*
I went into a bookshop earlier carrying a book. I seem to have put my book down to browse other books and left with no books. Have called the bookshop but they’re struggling to find my lost book amongst all the books. This is the stupidest thing I have ever done
The car’s navigation system warned me of a pothole and then asked if it was still there. Not only is it still there, it has friends.
How much mint do I have to muddle into this mojito for it to count as a serving of vegetables?
So apparently “You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my real dad!” isn’t of much use when dealing with armed cops.
printer: replace cyan ink cartridge
me: why? It’s a black and white document
printer: need cyan to print it
me: why?
printer: cyan
You fight a boss in a video game and it’s “acceptable,” but you fight your boss at your job and it’s “termination” and “likely a lawsuit.”
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
[cuts open a gender reveal cake and several black cats pop out]
Oh hell yes we’re having a witch!
BREAKING: Pizza Chain Just Assumes That Because You Ordered A Pizza Online That You’d Really Like An Email From Them Every Single Day
Wanna quit smoking? Wear boxing gloves. Can’t light them and you can beat people.
“omfg i hate him so much i can’t stop looking at him”
“……um friend is that really how hate works?”
My husband & I have a secret signal we use when it’s time to leave a party. I pull an air horn out of my purse and blast it.
Instead of racism or misogyny, why not hate the people who wear pyjamas and slippers to the airport?
Me: One of us drank the last cup of coffee and there isn’t any more.
Partner: One of us?
Me: I wasn’t going to mention names because that won’t solve anything.
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
First date idea: you buy me a castle in Scotland
I keep an extra stash of tampons in my purse to launch at blowhards who punctuate the end of their sentence with the word, “Period!”
In six days god created heaven and earth. On the seventh day, in the interests of balance, the bbc interviewed satan.
Couple finalizing divorce and they are fighting over the joint Facebook account bc candy crush is linked to it.
Anyone want to trade jobs?
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
I love that the generation after millennials is called Generation Z like we all kinda know this whole thing is wrapping up soon
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
I’m not heartless. It’s just in a different purse at the bottom of the closet.
Standing by the stove, eating scrambled eggs out of the frying pan with a spatula, but in a sexy way.
Me: This has been the worst day. Nothing can fix this.
*dog climbs on sofa, puts head in my lap*
M: I have never been happier in my life.