I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
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A Gothic novel about a governess who works at the manor house of a mysterious man who spends a lot of time in his attic. She eventually discovers that he keeps his LEGO sets there.
fat and greedy, my favorite type of animal
[Ferrari dealership]
ME: How much for this red one?
SALESMAN: Oh, that’ll cost you a pretty penny
ME: *holding out penny wearing a small wig and lipstick*
SALESMAN: VA-VA-VA-VOOM!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
Joseph: *putting his arm around Mary* may I be the first to ever say to you ‘Merry Christmas’
Mary: *shrugging his arm off* we’re Jewish Joseph
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
me: do we have anything for a headache
wife: try the cupboard
me: won’t that get stuck in my throat
Apparently my son “looks like daddy” when he’s wearing half of his food
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Breaking News:
I did 3/16th of a complete push-up
Me: I have a hemorrhoid that looks like Don King.
Customs agent: I meant do you have any goods to declare?
just found out the guy who is lying about the trans flag being the “MAP flag” was charged in court as a pedophile
remember
only for emergencies
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Me: throwing a ball
My dog: it is as the prophecy foretold
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
Losing weight doesn’t seem to be working for me, so just gonna concentrate on getting taller
Kim Davis says war has been declared on traditional marriage. Still unclear is which of her four marriages is under attack.
[tinder first date]
her: oh. I saw your profile picture holding the fish. I just assumed…fish: yeah this happens a lot
How come there’s never a first call for alcohol?
TWITTER: Nowhere will you find more gratuitous cleavage.
RENAISSANCE FESTIVAL: Hold my tankard of ale.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
A guy came up to me and said he loved my car selfies. Well, it was a cop and his actual words were “This ticket is for distracted driving.”
Do I have to wear real clothes?
-my kid on the last day of school
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.