*10 min into new workout*
Me: are my knees supposed to make this screaming sound?
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Him: I started dating a younger woman…. She’s sixty-five.
Me: And her parents are OK with this?
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
The way this kid screams and cries I’m shocked the parents are willing to pay so much to get it back.
Husband said our electricity bills are too high need to cut back
so I asked him to move.
Getting super good at pushing people away then wondering why I’m all alone.
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
The only sunscreen that’s 100% effective is abstinence
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
Me: I love holding your hands
Him, pulling at restraints: does it have to be behind my back
Grandma confused about Tide Pods “kids these days eating those podcasts”….
Everyone wants to be a Viking until you set them out to sea on a boat that’s on fire.
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
Me: *throwing random stick outside* Damn kids.
[LATER]
Husband: Where’d my stick go?
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
Barbecues are just a theatrical way of letting your neighbours know you’re going to be eating 2 hours later than planned
David Draiman singing “Oh-wa-ah-ah-ah” in the intro of “Down with the Sickness”, but it’s just the sounds I make while trying to put on socks.
Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Her: Would you like a complimentary orange juice with your breakfast?
Me: No, I’d like the rude, insulting orange juice, please.
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Me: Things are going well. *knocks on wood*
5-year-old: Who’s there?
Me: It’s not a knock knock joke.
5: It’s not a knock knock joke who?
“I don’t know, sometimes I just wish there was a room you could sit in that made breathing harder.”
– inventor of the sauna