Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
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I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Being Man, a territorial animal, I assert dominance by sending Facebook Pokes.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
If I had a time machine, I’d go back & mess with myself.
I’d delete and retweet frog my tweets monkey with random words giraffe inserted.
[Ouija board]
O spirits, let me talk to m-
C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I-N-G C-O-N-N-E-C-T-I
*squints*
What the heck?
A 3G board?
terminator: come with me if you want to live
me:
terminator: I said–
me: I’m thinking
okay Mary that guy just smiled at you play it cool oh my god he’s coming over here play it cool play it cool HI THERE I’M WEARING TWO BRAS
As part of our environmental commitment, we recycled* 84 tons of aluminium, 6 tons of rubber, 5 tons of glass and 14 miles of wiring just this morning alone.
*a plane missed the runway
cats are the best because you can pet one while you’re talking to someone and look totally evil
On Twitter, people respect you for sharing your deepest, darkest flaws. Unless those flaws are typos, in which case, die in a fire.
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
God: thou shall not covet thy neighbor’s wife
Joseph:
God: starrrrrting now
Who called it baking and not making love
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Her: What are you wearing for New Year’s Eve?
Me: My nicest robe and whatever booze doesn’t make it into my mouth.
Having a crush on someone sucks. If I wanted to gamble with my emotions, I would simply go to a convenience store, fill a slushie with 5 random flavors & let the lord decide whether it was delicious or not.
[swimming]
friend: shark!
me: relax, you’re more likely to be killed by a bus than killed than by a shark
shark: *driving out of control bus into the ocean*
me: well I’ll be damned
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
When I got my new jacket ,they said it was reversible. I tried it both ways ,but I had a hard time working the zipper behind my back
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
I gave up going to work for lent.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
SOCK COP: i’ll ask you one last time, WHERE IS MY PARTNER?
DRYER: rot in hell, pig
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
New Year’s Eve is just a myth created by the government to sell you more years
*walks into business conference*
*everyone stares and gasps because I have a hotel coffee cup instead of Starbucks*
*one lady starts crying and gives me her cup*
“PARTY FOWL” someone yelled as the drunk duck did another keg stand
No one:
Absolutely no one:
Guy in a Vulcan costume: [loudly, smugly] I wonder if anyone will recognize MY costume