I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
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When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
Girl from my high school posted on Facebook that she got a “constellation prize” at a church carnival yesterday. She skipped school a lot.
My husband took a few m&ms, then left the open packet and walked away. I waited a full 24 seconds but he didn’t come back so I legally finished the rest of the packet
You call it uneven eyeliner. I call it my Picasso Period.
At least the first 6 months of January is almost over.
me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
My daughter has a pink camo shirt in case she needs to infiltrate barbie’s dream house I guess
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
If you’re feeling lonely and want someone to talk to you, just put in your ear buds or try to read in a public place.
hey there delilah, oh shit no i meant vicky
babe i promise you’re the only one
no this is not a hickey
♪it’s just a bruuuise ♪
If insanity is repeating the same action expecting a different outcome, should I just wait til my kids are in college to clean the house?
When I die I want a memorial bench with a plaque that simply says ‘WET PAINT’ because I don’t want people sitting on my bench.
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
employee: over 100 ppl were killed by the dinosaurs again
CEO: my God
[10yrs later]
CEO: what if we made a dinosaur theme park again lmao
Him: Hey
Me: *flashes box of super tampons*
It was an unfortunate incident, but at least Doug learned he should never lick his light saber after using it to cut chocolate cake.
[doctor looking at my xrays]
doctor: this is exactly what i was afraid of
me: what
doctor: skeletons
*tries to mount a horse*
Horse: “I have a boyfriend.”
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
Shake what your momma gave ya!
*shakes old decorative wreath*
(pine needles and holly berries go everywhere)
They were tryna put dude out the bar last night for dressing like Jeffery dahmer, but come to find out bruh just looked like that
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
what jerk ever looked at a hamburger and thought “you know what this needs? A nice, soft, warm piece of lettuce.”
Waiter: Ma’am, your meal comes with two sides
Me (dragging a cigarette): Everything does, kid. Everything