So maybe downloading the ruler app to measure the snow wasn’t such a great idea
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i talk a lot of shit for someone thats only 80% sure minions arent real
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
Hello? This is your downstairs neighbor. I really hate to be a bother, but I am in bed trying to sleep. Could you please turn the stereo down?
It’s in the living room. You’ll find my door unlocked. Thank you.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
Maybe the aliens read our tweets and that’s why they probe us anally because they think that’s where our brains are?
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby
Ok so for next Halloween ill be mozart.
“I’ll be beethoven!”
Yeah okay, calm down sally. So Mr. Terminator who will you be?“I’LL BE BACH.”
This household only uses the finest of cat hair on its sandwiches.
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
9am: Nice try, Amazon, I’m not falling for the Prime Day BS again.
9:22am: *Reading reviews for commercial soft-serve ice cream makers*
Airport prices are crazy. 5 billion dollars? For an airport?
If you try to rob my house, you should know that the item in the house I paid the most for are my son’s braces.
I can’t wait till I have kids so I can drive slowly past McDonalds and tell them there’s food at home when they ask for some..
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
The landlord knocks, and I open the door. Surprise, surprise: in lieu of paying the rent on time, I’ve grown an enormous mustache with curly ends. He sputters in rage as I laugh. We both know that I’m the landlord now
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
I’m really worried Justin Timberlake is going to have me naked by the end of this song.
the thing about the weather getting colder is that it makes you think you want to date someone when what you want is heavy socks
Just saw two identical twins out in public together. No disrespect to that lifestyle but please keep it private
My dad is in Hawaii for travel…
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
A big shout out to my cat for hissing at an empty closet and keeping me in the bathtub holding a crucifix.
[Toy Story 5: The College Years]
girl: do I give you a woody?Andy: don’t– hey, don’t call it that
me: what time is it?
tour guide: 4:20
me: how can you tell?
tour guide: See how high the sun is?
[sun is eating spaghettiOs with a spatula]
I’ve never seen a runner smiling.
So that’s all I need to know about that.
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
At this point, HBO knows we’d watch any dragon show. Like: The King needs an heir to the throne that unites the 7 pillars of sanctity across the river of Borjovia, but encounters a dragon from Mt Draco that needs crystal fire blessed by the monks that own the local kebab shop.
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Boss: And why can’t you come in today?
Me: *at an aquatic petting zoo* I’m feeling a little eel.