An e-mail confirming you’ve unsubscribed from a mailing list is a fun way of saying you’re not having the last word in THIS argument, pal.
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accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
Number of times I’ve cooked Mac and cheese: 1000
Number of times I’ve thrown the box and then picked it up from trash to read the instructions: 1024
Pigeons are the dandelions of the animal kingdom: unappreciated, plentiful, and when you give a bouquet of them to ur mom she won’t like it
WIFE: i want to get to the mall early to beat the crowd
ME: but if we wait *grabbing baseball bat* there’ll be more of them
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
At the dr’s office: “So, do you think this is a hemorrhoid?”
My therapist:
[at the office]
Secretary: There’s a fax here for you.
Me: When did it arrive?
Secretary: 1983.
Me: Great. Let me know when the pony express pulls up with the mail from 1861.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
I just saw a squirrel dragging a wine bottle bag up a tree.
I think I found my spirit animal.
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Doc: How much exercise you get in a week?
Me: Does sex count?
Doc: Yes
Me: None
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
“Should I do it?”
My dog in the passenger seat looks at me, unsure. She just doesn’t get it, she never will. I merge into the carpool lane
I miss early 2000s movie naming conventions
Saw a tempting new kind of ice cream in the case at the grocery store and, for some reason, audibly said “Hi” to it. A lady behind me said “Excuse me?” and I motioned to the glass door in front of me and realized I looked like a parakeet enamored by the strange bird in the mirror
I am a smart, funny, capable woman… who just tried to zoom in on a photo in a magazine by double tapping the page.
*SEES SPIDER DRESSED AS A CLOWN IN THE SHOWER*
**LEAVES THE UNIVERSE**
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
It’s funny how humans are so picky about sex partners and dogs are all, “that smells about right”
Aight bet
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Whenever I’m at home drinking alone with my dog, I tell people I’m drinking with my dawg, so it sounds like I’m drinking with my cool friend
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[Coffee line]
*Sees cute barista*
*Twirls hair*
No whipped cream please
*Sees his backward sunglasses*
*Drops hand*
Never mind. Load it up.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?