The only thing I know ab AI is it desperately wants us to have more fingers
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5yo: I know what the middle finger means.
Me: What?
5yo: It’s bad.
Me: It’s alright. You can say it.
5yo: It means you want to fight god.
Wildebeest: 5 cheetahs on the horizon sir
Wildebeest Sergeant: How many men do we have?
Wildebeest: 4,000
Wildebeest Sergeant: RETREAT!
Preserved fruit, that’s my jam
The #AshleyMadisonHack is getting out of hand. Site just revealed that I’ve been cheating on my diet. I’m not even sure how they’d know that
*rocking back and forth, trying to gather enough momentum to get out of a chair* WHO ARE YOU CALLING FAT?
Sorry I followed your minivan for an hour. I got caught up in the movie your kids were watching and wanted to see how it ends.
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
People keep tagging a random person instead of the incoming British prime minister and she’s rolling with it lol
You can usually tell which duck is the cop because he has a mustache and a gun.
Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
some inanimate objects that are secretly plotting against you
Whenever I skip a day on the treadmill, I add the 25 minutes to the next day. Tomorrow, I will be running until 2026.
guy: man this water is warm
extremely narcissistic Luke: nah it’s not that warm this is like a different kind of warm tbh
Don’t let people tell you that you can’t give up. You totally can. I do it all the time.
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
BREAKING NEWS: Area Dad Wants You To Close The Damn Screen Door; He Isn’t Running A Hotel For Bees
[Texting from the deepest void of Hell]
Yeah I’ll be there in 5 minutes
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
[After 2 hours of explaining a complicated board game]
Ok, let’s just play and I’ll explain as we go.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
This a good idea
don’t worry about why I watched your story within 5 seconds of it being up, worry about why you’re checking your views within 5 seconds of posting.
My warrants are pretty outstanding.
The most horrifying thing I’ve ever heard:
“MOMMY! MOMMY! I think I just did SCIENCE in the bathroom!”
Her: Why do you have a copy of 50 Shades of Grey in your bathroom? Perv!
Me: Oh. No that’s just for when I run out of toilet paper.
10 y/o made her own chores list and after doing the dishes, she said she couldn’t believe we do them every day so I patted her on the head and said, “wait until you hear about this thing called laundry.”
channeling her this year
I’m sorry Mr. Simmons. I really enjoy babysitting little Timmy, but I’m only 14. I need real money, not bitcoin.
Just Once i’d like the Circus to Run Away with Me