An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
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Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
Advantages and disadvantages of keeping bees in the pocket of my jeans:
Advantages
– If someone steals my jeans and then puts their hand into the pocket, they will regret stealing my jeansDisadvantages
None that I can think of
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
I’d make a terrible meth head. I’d spend all my meth money on Reese’s peanut butter cups
me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre
Just found all my fan letters to Wolverine my wife “promised” she mailed stuffed behind the couch. I’m livid.
I want an HGTV show called “How Do You Like Your Open Concept Now?”
Sometimes when people talk to me, I scream and beat my chest. It not only establishes dominance, but tells them to go away.
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
[karate class]
Sensei: break this board with your hands
Me: why can’t I use an axe?
Sensei: because I hate you
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
I’m still waiting for the day my patents will say:
“It’s all fake son, we’re millionaires, this was just to teach you how to be humble.
When you ask her
“Have you ever read Shakespeare?”And she answers
“No, who wrote it?” ….Keep moving.
🎵If you wanna be my lover, you gotta get with my gourds🎵
~ The Pumpkin Spice Girls
I always carry a pocket of spare bolts at the carnival and hand two or three to the person taking the seat after me. “I found these. Weird?”
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
Friend: I’m getting married!
Me: I suffer from IBS.
F: Why are you telling me that?
M: I thought we were just stating unfortunate truths.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
Girls take a picture of their legs in a bubble bath and say “guess where I am”
The library?
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.