my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
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#JustToMakeYouLaughToday
Is my carry on stretching the limits?
I have the impulse control of a random number generator.
I think there should be a mandatory test at 16 that you have to pass and if not, you get neutered or spayed.
Food trucks but instead of food it’s therapy and they’re called automofeels
Eating a slice of pizza is hard when you’re going through the car wash, without a car.
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
Priest: You may now kiss the bride.
Me: Do I have to?
And after all these years, she *still* won’t admit how funny that was.
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
We’re going to the national aquarium tomorrow and we just learned they have a no stroller policy, “for safety.” When my 2yo attacks the sharks I expect they’ll change that policy
Find out what flavor of ice cream your kids hate and learn to love it. You will thank me for this later you’re welcome
A woman was arrested when her boyfriend’s body was found in a freezer in their living room. Who the hell puts a freezer in the living room?
‘Escalator’ is what He-Man’s enemy is called in Spain.
“Go on, fake throw the ball again, Phil. I dare you.”
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
I don’t care if you’re 30 or 50, sometimes I’ll flirt with you.
-“I’m 21.”
Omg eww, get away from me!
Kids have so many food allergies these days.
In 15 years you’ll be able to rob a bank with a bag of peanuts.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
charcuterie boards are great bc where else can you consume thousands of calories worth of a mysterious cheese you keep eating bc you can’t figure out if you like it or not
wife: some salmon travel hundreds of miles upstream just for the chance to spawn
me: ok ok I’ll take my shoes off
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
I would like to believe if I ever met any of my idols I would act calm and normal. The problem with this is idk if I’ve ever acted calm or normal.
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
There are 3 types of pain… 1.) Pain. 2.) Excruciating Pain. 3.) STEPPING ON A LEGO!
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
turtle after a first date: want to walk me home well this is me
My 4-year-old has a tummyache and before she went to bed she asked how you get the egg out of your body, so that’s how I found out she’s spent her whole life thinking we get tummyeggs when we don’t feel well.
Wife: Are you gonna wear that to the cookout?
Oh…
*reaches under mesh shirt*
*takes off nipple ring*Better?
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
This fake stomach ache feels like I’ll be leaving work early today to go to a bar to watch the Steelers game.