Judge: Call your next witness
Prosecutor: The state calls Shakira’s hips
Judge: *whispering to bailiff* You don’t have to swear this one in
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Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
me: [tries to write “perfect”]
my phone’s swipe function: clearly you meant “prefect” since you often discuss student hierarchies in british boarding schools
“And the cat’s in the cradle and the silver spoon….Little boy blue and the man on the moon”
…Drugs in the 70’s must’ve been AWESOME!
just checked my bank account and all I can say is who wants foot pics
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
Friend: Wow, you’ve been happily married for 25 years?! What is your secret?
Me: He travels, A LOT.
This is my first Christmas without my dad, and like he used to say, “don’t fill your plate if you can’t finish it” so today I’m only having dessert
Me: Who will I share the sunset with now?! *sobs*
Friend: Bad breakup?
Me: No. *wipes tears* My Instagram isn’t working.
Capt of Titanic: “Mayday! We are sinking”
Coastguard: “What happened?”
*Cthulhu makes throat-slit gesture with tentacle*
Capt: “Iceberg”
Me: I really ought to eat more fruit
Also me: I donut think so
An app that tells you the cleanest highway bathrooms. Why isn’t this a thing yet.
My 12 year old can explain the difference between a sociopath and a psychopath.
I think about that a lot when I’m trying to get to sleep.
Dad Dinosaur: Look son a shooting star make a wish!
Angsty Teen Dinosaur: I wish it would hit us and kill us all.
[7:00:00am] *opening eyes* today is gonna be a great day!!! 😀
[7:00:01am] wait no
[7:00:02am] hold o—
[7:00:03am] stop
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
At this point the virus has more names than a guy hiding from his wife on twitter.
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
Me: A storm is coming
My wife: Do you have to say that every time our kids wake up?
I just called my boss and told him I have explosive diarrhea. It’s my day off, but I like to keep him informed.
‘Behooves’ seems like a word only a fancy talking horse would use.
-me, at 3:42am
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
In space, no one can hear you scream.
In cyberspace, no one can shut you up.
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Actions speak louder than words when you smack someone in the back of the head with a shovel
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
*dog pokes me with nose*
*stop, it’s late*
(Dog looks at me with sad eyes)
*ugh, ok*
[sets up poker table for him and his friends]
Some people cry when they meet a celebrity. Big deal! I cry when I meet anybody, whether they’re famous or not. It’s called being scared of the world, sweetie, look it up.