The trick to free lunches is to tell your friend “you get this one, I’ll get the next 1” and then never see them again and make new friends.
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That awkward moment when you die, and all you were trying to do was take a selfie with a lion on a jungle safari..
God: this animal is called a woodchuck
Angel: because it can ch-
God: lmao no
I’ve decided that my go to from now on will be
“Sorry my house is a mess my husband is out of town”
They don’t need to know that it’s like this no matter what.
Nice try Jehovah’s witnesses, but dressing up like the police and saying you have a warrant isn’t going to get me to come to the door.
“I’d tap that.”
– Morse code operatives flirting.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
Ummm yeah I want one of those phone case’s where I can put my credit cards in with my phone so when I lose my phone I’m also broke. Genius!
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
Daddy, where do oranges come from?
Well son, when a red and a yellow really love each other…
I hate when snakes disguise themselves as people.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Bought a bag of Sweetheart candies & cracked my tooth on one.When I spit it out & looked at it,itsaid “Next time call when you say you will”
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
4-year-old: The baby woke up all on her own.
Me: You didn’t wake her up by being loud?
4: No, I was very quiet while I tickled her.
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
COP: pull over
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
oh my godddd my cat just asked for food while I was making creme brûlée lmao what an idiot read the room Steven
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Houston, we have a problem
Houston: new phone who dis
Me: it’s too expensive, I no longer enjoy it, I want to unsubscribe
Therapist: I’m afraid adulthood is permanent
First date idea: we list fictional characters that we would both punch in the face
Life is like a box of chocolates, once you have kids it’s gone.
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
Just saw someone refer to a cat as a spicy dog…this is the only way now.
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
Orangutan coworkers be like “What did you have for lunch? I had two oranges, one apple, one coconut, two mangos, three limes, ten lemons, one papaya, a guava, fifty five grapes, and ten kiwis”
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I can almost always tell when a movie doesn’t use real dinosaurs!
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.