A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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Sticker placement is key.
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
BOSS: This is hard to say…we need to make cutbacks
ME: What’s so hard? “We need to make cutbacks” See? Piece of cake
BOSS: Getting easier
the first time my brother got covid, he decided to shave his head and tell everyone it was one of the symptoms, which was just so wrong yet so very very funny
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Me after 1 airport cocktail:
Ladies, if he:
-Disappears once a month
-Goes through phases
-Make you feel crazy
-Is drifting away
-Has a dark side
-Controls the tidesThat’s not your boyfriend. It’s the moon.
I get more sympathy when I say that I don’t have a Costco near me than when I say someone died
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
My kid’s high school did a random search of all the lockers today and guess who’s teenager stood in front of her locker and yelled, “SHOW ME THE WARRANT!!”
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
She is very cute, has great energy! 😂
Date: What are you thinking about?
Me *wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich* I was wondering whether the guy in charge of ostriches calls himself the bosstrich
*Watching opening credits -The Winter Olympics in PyeongChang 2018*
Me: “How do you pronounce that?”
Daughter: (Heavy sigh & eye-roll) “OH.LIM.PIKS”
You can try to take off my granny panties, but they’ll just grow back stronger.
Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
A kid next to me at Starbucks says I smell like his dad. I’m like ‘Well, your Dad’s an alcoholic. Scram!’
Son, your father and I have something to tell you – you were adopted. Your new parents are waiting outside in the car.
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
if eating salty stuff at night makes you puffy in the morning why doesn’t sugar make you fit and contoured
[Spelling bee]
Your word is Monogamous.
M-O-N-O-T-O-N-O-U-S
*2 Judges stare at each other*
1st judge *nods*
2nd judge: “We’ll allow it”
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.