“With all due respect is the polite version of ‘listen here you little shit’”
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my cat: I’d like to go out
me: ok
my cat’s tail: not me tho
my grandma has a secret tuna casserole recipe that involves a 911 call
I probably would’ve had a better chance of winning back my ex-gf if I’d thought of something better to say than “I really miss your toilet noises”
ME: need help?
GIRL (having car trouble): could u give me a jump
ME: *inflating the bounce house I keep in my trunk* I thought u’d never ask
If you smash someone on the head with a banjo it’s just horrible. But for half a second it sounds pretty damn funny.
Ever been in a mutual muting? Beauty is, you’d never know.
We’d have serious problems if Peter Jackson ever became president. He’d look at World Wars I and II and see them as an unfinished trilogy.
we all have skills – but like, ones you can’t talk about right? like I am really good at wringing out a cloth the perfect amount so it doesn’t drip but it’s still juicy
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
“OMG, this is better than sex!”
-Me, snacking during sex
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
When you were young, Adele? You’re 28.
Shut the hell up.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
So apparently if your iPhone tries to electrocute you, Apple support doesn’t know what to do except say “oh that’s a problem” and pass you up the support chain until you reach the person who feels comfortable putting you on hold for a year. It’s fine. I have all night. 🤯
This is the final season of Young Sheldon.
I hope they don’t kill him off.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
Friend: You’ll find love again.
Me: STOP THREATENING ME
When I die, please don’t blame the year. Blame the alligator responsible.
My son and I spent an hour debating whether werewolves have opposable thumbs in case you’re wondering who the great modern philosophers are.
I was under the false impression that my kids would stop elbowing me in the bladder after they were born
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the house-sitter like: “If the leopard gets lost in the hedge maze, play Sade and he’ll find his way back.”
Alexa, put me to sleep
“soon you will sleep with the fishes. In the meantime, here are ocean sounds”
I just told the 4yr old to lick her elbow and bought myself five minutes of quiet.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
*burst into doctor’s office*
ME: I’m no longer canstopetid
DOCTOR: You mean constipated
ME: No I’ve had a vowel movement
DOCTOR: Get out
I’m having a garage sale & hope people I’ve borrowed things from don’t come.
If you make your legs go fast on an elliptical, then relax and let momentum take over
It still hurts when your face smashes on the floor
Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
Someone: You ever just look at someone, and realize you’d go to the ends of the Earth for them?
Me: At the current gas prices, are you nuts?
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.