friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
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Anyone know a Minecraft interpreter? I don’t understand my son’s Christmas list.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I wore a beanie hat in public and people kept trying to buy drugs from me. I made $1200 but now I’m out of breath mints.
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
Guy: Which way is left?
Me: *points to the right*
Guy: What is a horn for?
Me: Jazz
Guy: Where does gasoline go?
Me: *points to my tummy*
Guy: Excellent *approves my state-issued driver’s license*
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
Our nephew told us his rap name was Roast Beef, and until my last breath on earth, I’m gonna remind him of this as much as possible.
“I’m in love with the shape of ewe.”
-Ed, shearing
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
1st rule of snitch club is d-
“MIKE BROKE THE 1ST RULE!”
Ok w-
“JIM BROKE THE 3RD RULE!”
*police sirens*
Who called the cops
*everyone runs*
Dating another woman, expectations: pillow fights in lingerie, suprising eachother w/ flowers, romantic baths, pride parades
Reality: passing the same cold back & forth, “are you wearing my jeans again?”, hair everywhere, “it’s MY turn to lean on YOUR chest!”, who’s bra is this
First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Another morning waking up not knowing where tf you are or how you got there.
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
You ever look in the mirror suddenly and think
“Damn who yelled Bloody Mary”?
Obama: Didn’t think he’d be late
Biden: I gave him the wrong address
Obama: Joe he’s the president-elect
Biden: idgaf what they call him
Before you get paranoid about the lack of people interacting with you on twitter, remember Jesus only had 12 followers in his day, and look at him now.
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
The car salesman said my vehicle will seat five people without any problems. How am I suppose to find five people without any problems?
I can’t find my scrabble set and I’m honestly lost for words.
[home depot]
ME: I think I like this huge decorative rock
HER: Boulder
ME: Ok [with confidence] I REALLY LOVE THIS HUGE DECORATIVE ROCK
Does this thing get good gas mileage?
-my husband being kidnapped
Jesus “I will come back to judge the living and the dead”…. But until then, I’ll appear in dirty ceilings and toast”