I returned my 3D printer, but not before making a 3D printer with it.
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*tucks napkin into my shirt*
This meal could get messy.
Niece: *screeching like a Valkyrie*
Me: *wasted, drunk-whispering which is just yelling*
Dad: *lecturing someone*
Sister: *bickering with husband*
FAMILY FEUD Host: THIS ISN’T HOW THIS WORKS!
Me: *throat-punches him*
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
If money can’t buy happiness what do you pay a hitman with?
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
6am. 4 runs into bedroom, jumps on bed repeatedly.
“DADDY, DADDY, DADDY! WAKE UP! HAPPY FATHER’S DAY! WE’RE GOING TO LET YOU SLEEP IN!
Please stop praying for my grandpa u are making him too strong. He broke out of the hospital & cops say their tasers don’t work on him 🙁
Everyone who lined up 30 minutes early to board the plane is gonna be so mad when we all land at the same time.
Friend: my wife & I had our son very young
Me: so did we, he was just a baby
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
When I withdrew cash from the ATM, it asked what denominations I wanted so I chose Baptist, Methodist and Presbyterian.
The KANYE went down to the very KANYE street to buy a new KANYE for only $KANYE dollars. “KANYE?” he asked.
– Kanye West doing a Mad Lib
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?
Him: Do you swallow?
Me: Every time I chew.
Remember when we thought 2016 was a particularly bad year?
*Laughs in 2020*
If a serial killer commits suicide, you can console his family by saying,
“hey, at least he died doing what he loved”
You can’t tell me what to do, you’re not my dog
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
can’t believe alcohol is the legal one. when I get too drunk I want to make the worst mistakes of my life. when I get too high I want to mix all the dipping sauces and be a better friend
Wiggle is the best of all rooms.
When I accidentally open a message I never wanted to reply.
I just caught myself saying “oh this is a nice spatula” while shopping at Target & now I want to hit myself in the face with it.
every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Only wearing tennis skirts from now on and frankly disappointed in myself for not thinking of it sooner.
You’re not bald my friend. You are just taller than your hair.
Roses are brown,
Violets are brown,
Daisies are brown,I’m a terrible gardener.
Wanna wake your teens up early?
Cook bacon
me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff
wife: where’s the baby