a few weeks ago I faked an Irish accent at the bar & ended up meeting a guy from Ireland that night. since then I contemplated if he was faking it or not & I just found him on tinder and his bio says if he gets drunk enough he fakes an Irish accent. I’ve found my soulmate y’all!!
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My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
i’m in bed naked with my two favourite men on earth, ben and jerry.
Mom I’m running away! No I don’t need a jacket! Mom no I’m fine I don’t need a jac- mom! No I don’t need you to pick me up later mom! MOM!
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
Sir, your wife was stabbed ten times, but the missing piece is the murder weapon. So far we have nothing, Mr *checks notes* Scissorhands.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
Me: How was school today?
Child: Awful.
Me: Why?
Child: You can’t have a good day at school.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, how was work today?
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
Today I did a task I have been dreading for about a month, it took 30 minutes and it was fine.
…. I have learned nothing.
Love how Gatorade “flavors” are like “icy charge” and “Cascade crash” and “Arctic blitz” instead of things that would even remotely indicate what you’re about to taste
Aladdin’s love for carpet rides must have saved Jasmine thousands of dollars in waxing fees and razors.
i feel like so much miscommunication could be avoided if we all just stopped talking
This holiday season, do NOT buy a giant skeleton from home depot. Adopt one from your local cemetery
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
Sometimes I say “you’re welcommmme” to my husband for no reason in a super snobby voice just to watch him squirm.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
boss: what is the problem
coworker: [pointing to me] that guy stole my thesaurus
me: he peddles falsehoods
Coffee: Because when you’re groggy and barely coherent, the first thing you should do is handle a scalding hot cup of liquid.
I get all my cardio by crying when someone calls me ma’am at the gym.
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Nephew loses one of a kind, antique, family heirloom.
-Lord of the Rings
★☆☆☆☆
Doctor: seems like you have a pretty severe brain injury
Me: you can tell that from a leg x-ray?
Doctor: no I’ve read your tweets
Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Oh, you don’t have sex on the first date? How about on the last date?