I’m so awkward I visited a new doctor today and when they came in I literally said “Those are some nice shoes”. I have to find another doctor already.
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Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
Sometimes I pretend I’m picking up lunch for the office even tho the KFC workers can clearly see me eating that bucket in their parking lot.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
My little sister graduated high school and her quote i-
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
#oldknees
My house isn’t messy, it’s whimsical.
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
Spanish: The h is silent
English: Many letters can be silent
French: All letters are meaningless, every living thing is born without reason
Friend: Hey Karanbir! Long time no see. How’s your brother?
Me: He has moved on to a better place.
Friend: OMG that’s terrible! He was so young!
Me: Oh he didn’t die. He moved to Canada.
My new washing machine plays a tune very similar to an ice cream truck when it’s finished.
There’s no ice cream in there. I checked. Twice.
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
when space aliens arrive and ask us to take them to our leader we should take them to the zoo and show them a flamingo
I twisted my ankle playing vodka last night
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
CUSTOMER: What’s it run on?
YODA: [first day as an electric car salesman] Watts, it run on.
CUSTOMER: Ok I need to speak to your manager, you baldy parrot.
If it weren’t for this whole job thingy that pays me money I’d become a professional nap taker.
Postcards are just weird. It’s like, “Hey everyone, feel free to read what I wrote to my aunt until it’s delivered to her house.”
Lifeguard 1: How was your day?
Lifeguard 2: Sad, I saw a bear in lake
1: How is that sad?
2: He could bearly swim!
1:..
2: He ate 3 campers
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Been married so long it’s almost like a first date. Husband is always wondering if he’s even gonna make it to 1st base.
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[Wendy’s Job Interview]
INTERVIEWER: Ok let’s role play. You’re working the drive through and I’m a customer ordering.
ME: Sir please get back in your car.
INTERVIEWER: {under breath} Brilliant.