MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
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A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
Welcome to twitter. A twenty two year old will be assigned to you shortly to give you life advice.
Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.
At the grocery store and forgot my wife’s list, but no worries I’m sure there’s another dad here that I can copy off of.
Me yesterday: I’m gonna get so much done during this quarantine
Me today: 2pm time for bed
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
it’s common knowledge that a house isn’t a home until there are at least five different boxes of cereal open at once
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
*Caterpillar marriage therapy*
Wife: he’s not the man I married
Husband flying around room: I’m the same on the inside Karen!!!
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
Hey, remember that person you thought you couldn’t live without? Well look at you, living and shit.
Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
Find someone who looks at you,
I think that’s a pretty good start.
[family game night]
Me: do u understand now, grandma? U understand the rules now?
Mum [tappin my shoulder]: she gets it. Loosen the headlock
Somebody called me a free spirit today and my heart leapt as I turned back to my paperwork.
me: i think i got bit by a daddy long leg
her: your legs do look longer
me: oh no
her: i’m joking
me: hi joking i’m—OH NO
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I’ll see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Whoever came up with the phrase “actions speak louder than words” sure as shit never heard my 5 year old’s words
One thing I like about hiking is taking an uber to the woods and saying thanks and getting out of the car and disappearing into the trees as if I have an appointment somewhere deep in the forest
SUPERMAN: *lifts an entire aircraft carrier*
THAT ONE GUY AT THE GYM: But what you really want is reps.
[job interview]
“Have any questions?”
Think the 3 Little Pigs hired the Big Bad Wolf to blow their houses down to collect insurance money?
At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
Growing up, our family had this really lovely old German Shepherd, I’ll never forget being in floods of tears the day that mum and dad had to sit us down and tell us that he was being tried for war crimes.
Dad: Son do u know why we named you Titanic Hitting an Iceberg?
Titanic Hitting an Iceberg: Because I w–
Dad: BECAUSE YOU WERE AN ACCIDENT