My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
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What are these silent battles people keep talking about? None of my battles were quiet. I literally screamed the entire time because that’s half the fun.
I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
The inventor of cheese: This milk is nice but I wish I could bite it.
I didn’t ask to be the “bad boy” of professional tennis. Probably why it never happened.
I went to a friend’s house and she happened to have a scale so I weighed myself and guess what I don’t like that friend anymore
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
*pops stick of Juicy Fruit in mouth*
“Mmm, this is delic…shit, the flavor’s gone.”
*forgetting the name for christmas decorations*
please pass me the tree earrings
My cat is smarter than I am but I’m brighter than most plants, so I feel like I’m holding my own.
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
*Watching a commercial where someone is rock climbing*
*Do not attempt flashes across the screen*
Me: *hasn’t left the couch in 12 hours*
“Okay.”
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
me: I bought a gun because of my bird phobia
therapist: you might be getting carried away
me: *firing into the ceiling* not without a fight
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
My dad to me: When I was a kid, people would suffer paralysis and death from Polio.
Me to my son: When I was a kid, hand dryers barely did anything.
Boss: Lunch meeting, let’s go.
Me: Do I have to?
Boss: Free food and unlimited alcohol.
Me: *moonwalks to the car*
Mom holding crying baby: He just needs to be changed.
Me: Yeah hopefully into a puppy or something quieter.
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
I don’t like to wear workout clothes. When people see me jogging they probably think “Why is he wearing boots? Why is he jogging at night? It’s way too hot to be wearing a ski mask. Is that an exercise knife?”
The cashier told me to have a good Valentine’s Day like my purchase of oven cleaner, cat treats and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
Got sad news today. After 7 years of medical training, my good friend has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients & now can no longer work in the job he loves. What a waste of time, training & money. A genuinely nice guy, and a great vet.
How many times should you try starting your snowblower before you realize it’s not going to start? According to my neighbor it’s 458 times.
(watching the Alien crawl around vents and slowly kill off my crew mates) I could fix him…
Me too 😆