If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
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My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Here are dogs dressed like pandas to cheer you and/or calm you down.
wife: are you drunk?
me: define “drunk”
w: impaired by an excess of alcohol
m: define “excess”
w: yeah, you’re drunk
m: define “you’re”
[police chasing man on foot]
Police: STOP RIGHT THERE!
Man: *breathless* Oh God! I can’t run anymore.
Police: *grinning* sounds like you need… arrest.
If stores want to accurately market clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be lying on the couch by 5PM.
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
getting v. tired of living inside an interesting part of next century’s history textbooks
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
*gets pulled over*
Do you know how fast you were going?
*pulls string*
*inflates emergency mustache*Oh sorry officer. You’re free to go.
Zoos would be cooler if you had to fight each animal before you could see the next one
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
It’s easy to lie to people.
My phone was dead. I mailed it 2 weeks ago. Your baby is so cute.
Wife: I need you to do some things around the house this weekend
Me: I’m way ahead of you
Wife: no, like helpful things
Me: ah
How to tell if your wife is mad at you
1. She is
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
your elf on the shelf was delicious
Find someone more giddy with excitement than my husband who stopped the car between the Canada-US border to joke that we left the kids in another country
If you don’t let me in the bathroom, I can’t guarantee your safety when you pee.
~dogs, apparently
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
me: if the prince truly loved cinderella he would remember her face. he just had a foot fetish and great resources.
guy: where is our regular priest
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
A romantic thing you can do for your wife is try to get a raccoon to come in your house
The Canadian military is just a guy named Ross with a flare gun in an aluminum boat.
When I was a kid, we jumped fences, biked without helmets & drank out of public water fountains.
It was a dangerous time, full of microbes.
*loses faith in humanity*
“this is the type of problem that can only be solved by 13 photos of unlikely animal friendships”