My 11yo daughter is explaining to my 5yo son what Toys R Us was and he’s losing his shit.
You Might Also Like
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
It’s okay, bra. I’m ready to snap any minute now too
I wasn’t snoring..
I was dreaming I’m a dirt bike.
One of the best things about the internet is that it’s very easy to claim credit for things you had no part in. It’s one of the reasons I invented it
If YouTube ever goes down nobody will ever figure out how to tie a tie again.
A year ago I moved the silverware to a more convenient location in the kitchen, and every day for the last year I’ve been conveniently opening the wrong drawer.
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
What is going on here?
Is Rudolph using a magnifying glass to turn his nose into a raygun?
And who is the reindeer brandishing the cane?
The only thing that can stop a bad guy with a hot glue gun is a good guy with a hot glue gun.
One thing you learn how to quickly do as a parent is to pretend to not have any money when you walk by vending machines.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
the fire alarm is to warn the fire that the fire department is coming
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
20s: lol
30s: omg
40s: wtf
13 years ago I ordered an m&m blizzard at Dairy Queen and the lady who took my order screamed “ONE SMALL M&M BLIZZARD!!!” at the top of her lungs then immediately turned around and started making it herself and it’s still the funniest thing that has ever happened to me
Swim up bars combine my two favorite things. Drinking and peeing in hotel pools.
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
3yo: Daddy, I lost the recorder behind the couch
Me: Oh… that’s too bad
10yo: we can just move the couch…
Me: no we can’t!
10yo: yes we can…
Me: the couch is bolted down!
10yo: it’s not…
Me: you don’t know that!
10yo:(starts moving couch) yes I do
Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
My boss is getting the whole team a license to kill, hoping that we’ll Bond.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
The greatest trick the devil ever played
was offering a buy one get one free sale one day after you already purchased two at regular price.
Why don’t men ever think to do helpful catcalls like “YO SEXY THE SIDEWALK IS CLOSED AT THE END OF THIS BLOCK – CONSIDER REROUTING, MAMI!”
It’s an honour @thefunnytweeter – – thank you.
A foghorn but for people who can’t see through their own bullshit.
Lady at the dollar store checked to see if my $20 was fake. Like if I could counterfeit money I’d be shopping at the dollar store.
So, we tip the pizza delivery guy, but not ambulance drivers.
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
if i ever call you after we haven’t spoken in a while saying that i “just wanted to say hi” know that you probably died horrifically in my dream last night