“14 years, £20 billion later and my team have finally finished building a Large Hadron Kaleidoscope.”
“You mean Collider?”
“Oh shit!”
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I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
Asking me which one of my tweets is my favorite is like asking an Indian dad which one of his children is his favorite. I don’t think any of them are good enough.
the main function of the little toe on your foot is to make sure that all the furniture in the house is in it’s place.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*kid sits down*
Sorting Hat: HUFFLEPUFF*another kid*
Sorting Hat: GRYFFINDOR*me*
Sorting Hat: THERAPY
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
One time I threw my cat at a spider so I could escape, but sure I’d love to hold your baby
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
This will teach them to underestimate me
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
[watching wonder woman]
*wonder woman comes onscreen*
Me: (leans over to date) that’s wonder wo-*date throat punches me*
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
When does CPR become necrophilia?
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Me: I’m inviting Doug to watch the game
Wife: I thought you were mad at Doug bc he still hasn’t returned our shop vac
Me: I’m over it
[halftime, 2 beers later]
TV: 🎶Like a good neighbor, state farm is there🎶
Me: you know what else a good neighbor does, Doug?
*in hell*
Devil: so what are you here for
Them: I invented ice breaker activities
That if you love them set them free thing, what if they all come back at once
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
It’s like these credit card companies don’t even care that I’m an electric accordionist for South Dakota’s finest heavy metal parody band.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
BARTENDER: okay man, here’s your appletini
MAN: [upset] this isn’t what i ordered
BARTENDER: i’m sorry?
MAN: why isn’t it a tiny apple
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
VILLAGERS: Stop crying wolf, you stupid idiot!
BOY: Fine
{later}
BOY: Help…Wolf!
WOLF: What’s up?
BOY: I need you to kill the villagers
I once had a broken tooth repaired in France. I still chew with a slight accent.