Her: I’m sorry my baby keeps crying. He’s got teeth coming in.
Me: Well, don’t worry, I’ll sign for them…
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I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
In phone books, “assisted living” is next to “assassin”, so be more careful than I was, hiring someone to ‘take care of grandma’.
My wife and I role play “The Fast and the Furious” in bed. Me and her, respectively.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
I still close the bathroom door when I’m home alone bc I don’t want the murderer to break in and see me on the toilet.
Me: I was having sex last night at the time of the robbery
Cop: Why you are telling me, you’re not even a witness
Me: Oh dude I’m telling everyone
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
Oh you love your mom’s cooking? Name 4 of her dishes.
In college if I needed more time to finish a paper I’d send a word doc with just like, pages filled with weird text characters and when my professor opened it days later, I’d be like oh the file must’ve been corrupted and then send the finished paper. I must’ve done it 50 times?
Good news, people in 3rd world countries, suffering inexplicable hardships- Amy from fb says god won’t give you more than you can handle.
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
somebody posted a photo of a cat on nextdoor asking who’s cat it was and so far six people have claimed him
I want to be on maternity leave but without the baby.
One day you’re partying til 2am and waltzing into work the next morning
Then all of the sudden you “need a vacation from your vacation”
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
ready to be harvested
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Hmm…
kkkk (too many)
kkk (too racist)
kk (looks like a typo)
k (that’ll work)Why you see my texting bubble for 10 min before getting “k”
My 9yo just asked me: if I fail a test was it me who did bad or the teacher? 🤯
On my last flight I watched a woman in front of me pull out her hair and eat it until I fell asleep. Can’t do that in first class.
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
We like to vilify hot people, but it’s important to know that people who aren’t hot are also terrible.
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
I’d let you be the reason my cheeks blush.. All four of them
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
bro what is going on at twitter
Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?