me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
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Me: I had a dream I cut the grass.
Husband: How short?
Me:
Husband: HOW SHORT?!
No my carpet doesn’t match my drapes cause I don’t have carpet , Duh….
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
me: i don’t like talking about myself
random girl at a party: hi how’s it goin’
me: look jessica, it all started when i was six years old
There’s no crisis in life that frying a potato can’t solve
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
This guy was looking over my shoulder while I was texting so I texted “I hope this guy next to me doesn’t catch what I have.”
[Farmer’s market]
Me: One of your finest farmers plz
Farmer: That’s not how this works
Me: Ok just give me some seeds & I’ll grow my own
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Lunch lasagna special on a round plate: $12.99
Lunch lasagna special on a square plate: $1,739.99
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Thought I’d surprise her with that hitachi on her Amazon wish list but autocorrect changed it to hibachi…boy was she surprised.
“Marines!”
“SIR, YES SIR!”
“Get ready to deploy at 05:00 sharp–HUGHES WHERE IN THE SHIT ARE YOU GOING!?”
“That’s too early I quit.”
Sorry I’m late. I had trouble getting my hedgehog into her sweater vest. She was being a little prick.
Me and my 4yo tried to high five each other for like 5 min which shows we are both very determined but also very very uncoordinated.
I missed two of my mom’s calls, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Popped out a tiny human today so thats neat
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
The human body is 90% water, so we’re basically just cucumbers with anxiety.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
You haven’t truly witnessed humanity at its worst until you’ve visited an all-you-can-eat buffet with crab legs on it.
Me: Alexa, will you be my Valentine?
Alexa, robotically: Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Twitter: Where if the chemistry’s good, the geography won’t be..
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
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A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th