What’s that Batman movie quote? “You either die a hero, or live long enough to hit the gas instead of the brake and drive your Buick through the front doors of the pharmacy”?
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“So it’s agreed? If we’re both single at age 40 we’re doing this?”
Yes. If we’re alone at 40, we’re getting matching racecar beds
My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
“Hey honey”
*drags a cigarette*
“have you ever”
*drinks some scotch*
“slept with a guy”
*sucks a lollipop*
“with three arms?”
Sadly, at 8:11 PM Mark Jones was mispronounced dead.
[at hospital]
Doctor: I’m afraid this man has deed. Am I saying that right? He’s deed.
Did…did a minotaur write this
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Saying Trump can’t be an antisemite because his daughter converted to Judaism is like saying he can’t be sexist because he married a woman.
My warrior status is dramatically reduced every time I check my phone to see what I ordered instead of opening the box.
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Me: I’ve been beset upon by a horrible malaise
My body: You’re hungry
Me: something has changed, inside I’m filled with naught but darkness
Body: eat literally any food
Me: will I ever know peace again?
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
I have a phone interview today and someone told me to “just be myself” so I’m not going to answer the call
My wife just told me 11 more things I do wrong after she said she wasn’t talking to me anymore.
A body like this doesn’t just happen, I say to myself as I pause the workout video to take blueberry crumble muffins out of the oven.
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re paranoid.”
Me: “My resume has been talking behind my back?”
I would marry Christopher Walken just so I could listen to him talk and regret it three months in.
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
Show her you’re into her by running your toes through her hair
Me: *throwing popcorn to our toddler like a pigeon*
Wife: Stop that! Do you want more to show up?!
If your friends won’t go into a dark forest with you, memorize the ancient ritual text and help you summon a demon so that there is a fourth person to play Monopoly with, can you really consider them friends?
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
*God provides manna from heaven*
“Is there gluten in this?”
Miles: Mom what does clitoral damage mean?
Me: 😳 Use it in a sentence, baby
Miles: Like clitoral damage in a war?
Me: Co-lat-er-ul, babe
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you