Me: what number do you call if there’s an emergency?
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: you call 9 1 1
3yo: 21 21
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERS
Me: 9 1 1!
3yo: who you gonna call?
2yo: GHOSTBUSTERSEmergency training complete
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My kids lost a Barbie shoe.
I dug in the trash and found one.
It was from a set they didn’t know was missing
Now I’m looking for 2 shoes.
[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
my fav brides on Say Yes To The Dress are the ones who come in wanting a specific dress but don’t call ahead to see if it’s in stock and are like sooo shocked it’s not there. Baby!!! it’s your wedding dress!!! I’ve called bakeries to make sure they have a cinnamon roll in stock
“MEANWHILE IN MONTANA: A handful of cows found their way into a newly built home and lived in it for a month before being noticed.
The family was moving from Washington. The Aunt was supposed to be checking on the place, but she didn’t. A rancher had filed a report about missing
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
“Get in the van if you want to live.”
Creepy Terminator…
I love when my husband says, “correct me if I’m wrong,” like I would pass up that opportunity.
[1st date]
HER: I love when a guy speaks other languages
ME: <html><body><p>hey</p></body></html>
HER: *closes her browser, metaphorically*
A thing I learned at this week’s staff meeting is that I have restless leg syndrome when I sleep.
date: I’m an expert in volcanology
me: *mouthful of bread* why do they have pointy ears?
“You should only have to tell them once”
– People with no children
2017 – Wizard of Oz
[opening credits]
Dorothy: *opens weather app*
[end credits]
(cant remember king kong’s name) you know. the monkey. the big monkey. really big. he hates that lizard. but sometimes he is friends with the lizard? the lizard is also big
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
What kind of dessert do ghosts always come back for??
A Boo Meringue
I just asked 10 what she wants to be when she grows up and she said just like me. So, confused and listless it is then.
Principal: *pats me on the back at my graduation*
Me, who has never been burped: *burps for two full hours*
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
Just ONCE, I’d like took deep into your beautiful eyes, and make hot sweet love with you without some pop-up window ruining the mood.
love it when they get my name right
I don’t understand why people want a sandwich after sex. I just want my money back.
People who say ‘mayo’ instead of ‘mayonnaise’ live 12 years longer cos of all the time they save
*finishes reading a long, magical tale about the trials and tribulations of a young family coming to america and settling in the new west*
Me: *wiping a tear* oh heck this recipe is for sugar cookies not chocolate chip
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
It breaks my heart to think that of the 100 million hardworking pads of paper in this country, only about 20% are legal.
I just had scrambled tofu with veggies because my kid makes me eat healthy and damnit why is this happening to me ? I’m a good person …
Did it hurt? When you saw the candy you bought yesterday going half price
a murder on the dance floor would explain the panic! at the disco
what if eric trump is actually a nigerian prince
SON: What’s a sex tape?
ME: Er well when er a man & a woman have er intercourse they
S: No
M: No?
S: Dad. I know what sex is. What’s a tape?