So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
You Might Also Like
ME: You’re saying I’m not smart enough for this job?
BOSS: Well, yes.
ME: [points to computer] Just because I can’t use the typewriter TV?
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
hey can I use your bathroom?
cashier: only paying customers
jesus…ok just give me 9 double whoppers with cheese, a chocolate shake, 2-
I was home alone the other day and was frightened by a very loud noise, then I realized it was just my stomach growling.
[parking lot]
ME: *hits car backing up*
Guy: *yells out window* HAVE YOU ALWAYS BEEN THIS BIG OF AN IDIOT?!
Me: *yells back* NO! I USED TO WEIGH MUCH LESS!
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
A new survey shows that most Canadians aren’t looking to return to the office full-time. Just a thought, have you guys tried putting a bed in there?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Waking up in my 20s: shoot I have a pimple
Waking up in my 30s: shoot I have unresolved trauma in my lower back
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
Call me old timey, but I don’t stand for a lot of flim flam malarky.
Watching people try to find a lost car in a parking lot is oddly soothing
Precious was concerned about how long it was taking to make a snack choice.
I realize I put this off but how much weight can I lose in 2 hours?
My five-year plan keeps happening to Ryan Reynolds
These baby cardinals are thugs. They muscle all the other birds away from the feeder. I saw one put out a cigarette in a blue jay’s eye.
I’m not making a decision on who to vote for until I see the latest results from dogshit7’s Twitter poll. It’s important to have all the facts.
My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”