Who called it plan b and not the pill out method?
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HEARTWARMING! Celebs get together to sing ‘Imagine’ and flush all their unused COVID-19 tests down the toilet
Fitted sheet? You should see me try and fold a thong.
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
Be grateful for those who keep your secrets.
That way you don’t have to kill them & go to prison.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
*clicks on hotel tv’s Adult Zone*
“Oh hell yeah.”
*it’s just a bunch of people paying bills and doing yard work*
“…Oh hell yeah.”
Stupid seal at the zoo would not sing “kiss by a rose.” REFUND!
WELL OFFICER IF YOU DIDN’T WANT TO SEE ME MASTURBATING YOU SHOULDN’T HAVE PULLED ME OVER
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
[American TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll have 184 episodes over 8 years and possibly 3 spin-offs.[British TV]
SHOWRUNNER: We’ll run for 63 years. There will be one episode a year. Some years there won’t be any. Alternatively we can do 8 episodes right now then never mention it again.
thank god the sign was there
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
My old classmates said I look the same as I looked 25 years ago.
I still look like a dork y’all 🙈
You definitely shouldn’t go to Costco and buy the giant box of frozen mozzarella sticks so you and your family can eat them whenever you want. We are not ready for that as a species.
daughter: daddy! daddy! did you see how high i jumped?
me [eyes closed, blind folded, 3000 leagues under the sea in a deprivation chamber]: yes, wow that was so amazing!!!!
65 mph wind gusts today. This is why Midwesterners are heavy. Everyone else rolls away like a tumbleweed.
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
99% of celebrating your birthday as an adult just consists of texting back “thanks so much ❤️”.
If someone sits too close to me on a bench, I stare straight ahead and say “Did you bring the money?”
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
I just realized that I’m using a new phone that has never been dropped. How coo
I carry my checkbook with me everywhere just in case someone wants to be paid in the least convenient way possible.
Buying a scrub brush on a stick for your back because you need something to remind you that you are single, even in the shower.
Call me faithless, but I just can’t believe three guys would travel that far on camels to throw a baby shower.