I work with some really great people. They’re reliable, they’re honest and they never cause any problems. I don’t fit in at all.
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Me: You shifted your bar to the rooftop from the basement?
Him:
Him: Yes, I raised the bar.
The government shut down. Monkey knife fights in my backyard in one hour BYOB
doctor: I’d like to give you something to help your anxiety
me: whose side are you on?
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The worst part about biting the inside of your cheek is that there’s no one to be mad at. Am I gonna be mad at my sandwich? I could never be mad at my sandwich.
If you’re going to get a puppy to practice raising kids, you need to get like 50 of them.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
People only want to do drugs named after women: Mary Jane, Molly, Lucy (in the Sky with Diamonds). No one wants to snort some Craig.
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
*Looks around nervously* The steam from my pasta is ungluing my chest hair toupee and the other mafia bosses are taking notice.
Knowing how to write in cursive almost feels like a secret language. I can pass notes to my wife that my kids have literally no chance of understanding, no matter how long they try to decode it.
hey people that post selfies on Instagram and caption it ‘No Filter’, go with a filter next time. serious
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
My grandma talks a lot of shit for someone who still uses a flip phone.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
her: my therapist keeps canceling appointments to go on vacation to who knows where
me: [under breath] whereapist
Big fight at Bible group. Jeff said Jesus was a liberal and Cheryl said Jeff gave her chlamydia
I’m thankful for cell phones because carrying around 85,626 photos of my dog in my wallet wouldn’t be easy.
According to the group of firemen in our floor’s breakroom… my microwave popcorn is burnt
“so what brings you to therapy today?”
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Sometimes I spend so much time on Twitter in the bathroom that I actually pee twice.
has it occurred to anyone that the reason dinosaurs are extinct is because purple is way to flashy in the wild?
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
never ask a starfish for directions
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.