I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
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Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
happy birthday to me. i am 25.
Knuckle tats:
(M)(Y)(P)(A)(R)(E)(N)(T)(S)
(W)(E)(R)(E)(R)(E)(L)(A)(T)(E)(D)
You could replace the zombies on Walking Dead with huggers and it’d be the same scary show.
Hot, single, raccoons in your area want to rummage through your garbage.
LAUGH IT UP NOW MILLENNIALS! IN 30 YEARS YOUR FAVORITE ACTORS WILL BE TALKING TO YOU ABOUT REVERSE MORTGAGES.
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
POPE: Let us all bow our heads and pray.
MICHELANGELO, from the back: Or maybe look at the ceiling.
I don’t even check my bank account no more. I just swipe my card and if it’s god’s will money will be debited
A bunch of things I labeled yesterday as tomorrow problems had the nerve to show up today and I’m just like excuse me who said you could be here.
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
Missed connection: She wanted classy and I thought she said gassy…
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Her eyes light up the room. They are lasers. Everyone is running.
Baller is short for ballerina
SEVEN DEADLY SINS
Lust
Gluttony
Greed
Sloth
Wrath
Envy
Calling me instead of just texting
wat abot when ther was only 1 set of footprints
“thats when i carried u”
wat abot when the fotprints went in the ocean
“i tried to drown u”
I wish Teachers were treated like pro athletes. Million dollar contracts and tenure bonuses.
Pro model erasers and chalk. Showered with Gatorade when the whole class passes.
Kid: Daddy can I give some of my candy to that duck?
Me: No, ducks only eat things they find in nature, like bread.
Marriage is for people who want their break ups to involve paperwork.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Him “I like you”
Me: “Meh, give it five days.
Him: “No I really like you”
Me: “okay. Ten.”Narrator * It would, in fact, take 4.
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Me: It’s sweet how my cat sits on my chest to comfort me when I’m sick in bed.
Cat: I think I’ll eat the eyes first.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
After 46 years of service, Voyager 1 has stopped communicating with Earth, even Voyager 1 has had enough of our f****** bullshit.