Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
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[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
“turn right at the corner donut shop, then left at the pink cake place, your destination is on your right beside the surprisingly good vegan bakery*
[me as a GPS]
If your bio says 18+ brat I just assume you are an adult sausage
Thanks to a fan for this one.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
Still the funniest sequence of tweets I have ever seen
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I didn’t forget your birthday I just forgot today’s date.
-me, forgetting your birthday
Nothing freaks out people like unblinking eye contact in a public restroom.
Especially when you do it from underneath the stall divider.
FINALS TIP: Create a reward system to help you study. For example, if you spend 1 hour studying, reward yourself with 72 hours of Netflix.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
Me: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Informant: why?
Me: for spilling the beans
Informant: I didn’t-
Me: shut your fern gully
Informant: what
Me: don’t give me no sammy jammy
Informant: ok now you’re making these up
Me: *leans forward* looks like we got us a bulbasaur
3 things in life are certain: death, taxes and me not actually working past 1 pm on a Friday
Papa Bear: I wish he’d Mackle more.
Mama Bear: I wish he’d Mackle less.
Baby Bear: I tore the throat out of a girl who stole our porridge.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.
Her: I feel a special connection between you and I.
Me: I think you mean between you and me.
Her: I don’t mean either now.
my Roomba bravely tries to trip my attacker as they chase me through the house
🙁
turn that frown upside down
):
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home
captain: enemy sub approaching, activate the sauna
1st mate: dont you mean sonar
captain (already in towel): full steam ahead
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
[swimming pool]
Me: but what if there’s a shark in there?
Lifeguard: that’s impossible
Shark: *popping head out of the water* I have an English degree and it’s improbable
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
If I could make water into wine, I’d probably stumble out of a cave 3 days later too.
Conspiracy theory: If they really want to catch Big Foot, why don’t they look at the factory where Christmas stockings are made?